It Ain't Hamlet: X-COM TERROR FROM THE DEEP

Approbatión: A Play in Three Acts

Act One: Incrédulitie
"Hey, is this just X-Com but bluer?"

Act Two: Infuriatión
"HEY, THIS IS JUST X-COM BUT BLUER!"

Act Three: Acceptanc...ión
"Well hey, this is X-Com! Just bluer."

(Alternate joke: I briefly considered reposting the first X-Com post and just coloring the text blue, but I decided that it was probably too large for such a simple joke.)

In Which I Fictionalize The Events Of A Disastrous Playthrough: X-COM UFO DEFENSE

What follows is a journal discovered in the burned-out husk of a large underground base and sent to us via time machine from the dark, distant future... THE YEAR 1999!


Jan 1, 1999
Dear Diary,
My appointment as the head of the new division became official today. They're already displaying a flagrant disregard for my authority, though: they're calling it X-COM instead of Cleansers of Lethal Off-World Nemeses. See, that's better because when the aliens show up I can call a briefing and give all my agents their instructions and then say "It's time to send in the CLOWNs!" which is hilarious and that's just good for morale. 
There are no good puns involving the name X-COM. I spent four hours last night trying to to come up with one.


Jan 3, 1999
Dear Diary,
The equipment and personnel arrived yesterday. I tried to help the guys move it in, but missiles are really heavy. I feel like my supervision really improved their efficiency, though.
My agent requisition was a little strange. When the crew roster came through, it looked like almost all of my agents were Asian: Gunther, Isao, Kenji, Takashi, and two named Tsuji. Imagine my surprise when they all turned out to be blond white guys. Weird.


Jan 4, 1999
Dear Diary,
First contact today. I've dispatched the team in the Skyranger to investigate an alien crash landing. I don't know exactly what will happen, but something tells me my guys will be coming back any minute now carrying huge armfulls of alien technology.


Jan 4, 1999     
So I might have been too optimistic. Apparently the aliens have plasma weapons or something? It was hard to tell what Tsuji was saying because so much of his jaw was missing.
He's kind of melodramatic.


Jan 21, 1999
Dear Diary,
After thorough review of the footage from the Skyranger's camera and study of the effects of alien weapons on our erstwhile comrades, our R&D division declared that we are, to use their technical vernacular, "well and truly fucked". When I asked why we don't just kill the aliens and take the plasma guns if they're so great, one of the scientists responded that it would be like a caveman killing a U.S. Marine with a dull spoon in order to steal his rifle. I have instructed the men to regard this as a personal challenge.


Feb 3, 1999
Dear Diary,
Second contact did not go any better, despite my radical and unorthodox engagement strategy. On the up side, somebody actually managed to gut one of the aliens with his standard issue dull spoon and in doing so scavenge a plasma weapon. On the down side, only the Tsujis survived. You know what they say about omelettes and dead guys, though. I've sent a request to a few world governments for their top soldiers to refill our ranks.


Feb 11, 1999
Dear Diary,
It's getting pretty weird in here. Seven recruits arrived this morning from the Colombian consulate. They're all blond and three of them are named Tsuji. Must be a popular name in South America.
No matter! The science guys have made some break-throughs with the alien tech, and it looks like next time our visitors arrive they'll be in for a rude surprise.


Feb 18, 1999
The aliens were less surprised than I hoped. They launched an attack on Mumbai and I sent in our squad armed with new weapons based on the alien tech. Unfortunately, the aliens also had new weapons based on alien tech, as well as the ability to lay eggs in humans to turn them into shambling monstrosities. Oh, and some kind of super grenades.
We believe the population of Mumbai is now roughly 200. It is probable that this number contains no humans.
I attribute this failure to a lack of vision on the part of my squad leaders. When I showed them the plasma spoon, heralding it as the newest innovation in our war against the outsiders, they were reluctant to bring it into the field. I tried explaining that it would be the obvious way to take advantage of the extensive spoon-gutting drills we've been doing for the last month, but they would not be moved.
I can't believe Tsuji called it "fucking moronic". I made him put an entire dollar in the swear jar.


Feb 19, 1999
The radar team tells me that we've got a lot of large ships bearing down on us. They must have tracked the Skyranger back from Mumbai. It looks like they've finally realized what a threat my leadership and ingenuity pose to them! Either that or they're after our devastating weapons technology. Well, they can have the plans for the plasma spoon WHEN THEY PRY THEM FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!


April 13, 1999
They took my hands.
Little gray bastards.
I am to be reinstated as head of X-COM as soon as I've finished getting used to these prosthetics. Of course, the crew is almost entirely new, as most of my people were killed in various horrible ways. I am assured they are the best of the best.
That sounds kind of familiar.


April 29, 1999
Finally back on duty. Lots of new faces around the the base. Something about these people seems so strange, but so familiar. It's disconcerting, but it might just be side effects from all that head trauma.


May 3, 1999
Dear Diary,
Today we scored an uncharacteristic but inevitable victory. A UFO was shot down in the suburbs of Brussels and when I sent a team to investigate the site they discovered alien survivors. A brief firefight ensued, ending with Tsuji's discovery that the aliens don't seem to understand staircases. They know how to ascend but they can't seem to get back down. The men were able to trap them on the second floor of a building.
The science team wanted to wait and see how long it takes them to starve, but Tsuji got impatient. I am told that just before throwing a scavenged alien grenade through a second story window, he remarked "This ought to be a blast." When he got back to base, I made him put an entire dollar in the steely action quip jar.


May 9, 1999
Dear Diary, 
Things are going incredibly well! Our interceptors have been downing alien ships by the dozen all around the continent and a scientist was just in my office informing me that his team has managed to reverse-engineer the propulsion system from the craft that crashed in Brussels. I don't know what that means, but it sounds sciencey enough to inspire great confidence! I'll have to remember to give that guy a raise. I think his name was Tsuji.


May 10, 1999
Ever since my extended medical leave due to no fault of my own, I've been having a strange feeling about my crew. Something's... off. Unfortunately, on my way down to the records office to have a look at the crew rosters, I was waylaid by sirens and a series of explosions that rocked the base and collapsed the corridor. I was able to dive into a room before getting more than a little bit crushed. Looks like somebody's living quarters. And I guess I'm trapped. I suppose I ought to get comfortable.


May 10, 1999 again
Okay, I'm incredibly bored. The signs on the bunks indicate that this room belongs to Tsuji, Tsuji, Tsuji, Tsuji, Tsuji, and Tsuji, and I've noticed something kind of strange. Maybe it's just all that head trauma, but I think it's pretty weird that none of them have any playing cards or chocolate stashed in here. Can you believe it? I've turned this place upside down and all I've found is Tsuji's PDA. I briefly considered poking through it just for something to do, but I respect his privacy more than that.


May 10, 1999 some more
So Tsuji's PDA is pretty weird. First of all, the only game on it is solitaire. Who plays solitaire? Second, there's no phone numbers or anything. That's weird, right? Finally, his entire message history is just texted pictures of, like, weird triangles and numbers that kind of look like the longitude and latitude of this facility.
They might be codes to a PS3 game.
You know what, don't judge me, diary. You're a book. Anyway, he'll understand. Who could withstand this kind of boredom for more than twenty-eight minutes? I'm not superhuman, even if I do have awesome robot hands.


Still May 10, 1999
Somebody has been digging through the rubble for several minutes now. I can hear them, but they're not responding to anything I yell, not even requests for identification. I fear that they may not be friendly. I'm starting to think those explosions weren't routine equipment failure at all. Whoever reads this: You must find and protect the schematics for the plasma spoon! If a weapon so devastating were to fall into alien hands, they'd be unstoppable!
Speaking of alien hands, it sounds like they're getting close. I'll have to hide this somewhere. I only hope someone human can discover it before it's too late. Hopefully Tsuji survived and he'll come back for his PDA. He seems like a trustworthy guy.